Preserving the Childhood Innocence

When you find out you’re going to be a parent, you prepare yourself the best you can.  Life often throws you curve balls in the most inordinate ways.  We knew there would be challenges to face - I imagined things like back talk, broken bones, sneaking out.  At age 6 I wasn’t expecting the melt downs over what outfit to wear or a hairstyle that was slightly out of place.  

I wasn’t expecting to have to explain why we would never get to hold a baby we were so excited to meet.

Mike and I have always been very open with Lily about death.  How it’s a part of life and how we get together to celebrate even when we’re sad.  It’s “easy” to explain this when it’s a great Grandma or when someone’s been ill.  We’ve prepared her for the fact that Diesel is 10 and won’t be around forever.  Those conversations - in hindsight - have been a piece of cake.  

I was not prepared to tell my 6 year old how unfair life could be.  I was not prepared for the innocent question after question that followed.  And that keep coming at the most random times.  The questions that literally require me to stop and catch my breath, compose myself and think of an answer.  And when there isn’t one, to be prepared again for the never ending WHY?  To keep calm WHY after WHY after WHY when all I want to do is ask the same question.  

So for now we talk about it.  As much as I want to shut it down, block it out, it’s how Lily is coping. We imagine what baby Eleanor is doing in Heaven.  We talk about the angels that came to get her.  How she's probably playing on the monkey bars.  We keep her memory alive through Lily’s childhood innocence.